Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
