I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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