Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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