That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
