my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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