Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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