separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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