You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
