I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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