All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
