I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
