I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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