My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
