i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
