also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
