he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My vagina just clenched in fear
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
