My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
