So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
