just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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