remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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