dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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