so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
