my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
