I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
