Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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