I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
