and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
