When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
