Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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