a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize