She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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