im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
