oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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