Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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