Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
