The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
