# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
