I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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