I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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