so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
