Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
