Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
