I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
