he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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