So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Randomize
