I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
