Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
