yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
