not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
