I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
