I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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