Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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