i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
