I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
