I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
