Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
